Today was awful in the sense I couldn't focus on one thing long enough to feel like I accomplished much at all. I spent some time with Isabel, hit the grocery store...then nothing. worked on some school stuff, nothing...more school stuff, nothing...cleaned some...nothing again. After school routine, more cleaning and cooking...nothing. Just couldn't do much but want to do everything and not feel right doing any of it. Such a crappy place to be in .
And now as it's night time I feel worse since I feel like I wasted my day. And I should be packing in as much as I can these days. It's obvious I can accomplish more when I do more. Work can not be coming at a better time. I wonder why I work that way. Perhaps because I grew up with too many expectations at too early of an age. Not sure. But I am most happy when I'm busy. It is also reinforcing that I can't be a stay at home mom. I need the other things in life that fill me up like work and photography, friends and time with my husband alone...to be a better mom. I know some would call it selfish still, even as the world's view of the mom role changes. But as for my home we work best when I work more and my husband is home more. He has the patience and fun laid back attitude needed to be home. I can be awesomely fun when the rest of me is filled up with other things. My mind is too busy to be home all the time. My patience lasts less and less with my increased time at home. It certainly is not my children as I adore them. I really have the best kids around. I just get impatient in my own mind and then can't share joy as much. Look at me explaining away what I already know is perfectly alright.
As for today I guess there is nothing I can do about it. Tomorrow is another chance to kick butt. I just hope this antsy thing goes away. I hope it's not a side affect of my meds and if so goes away. Tis my life - analyze analyze. Hard habit to break.
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