And here I am again at square 1 – feeling horrible about my illness again. I’m so angry at the fact that it seems like it would just be so much better if I didn’t have any other outside stressors right now. How am I supposed to ever feel stable if my life just will not cooperate? I’m not at all talking about the everyday stressors that we all feel. Certainly not. I’m not so self centered that I believe that I can make it so there is never problems with relationships or bouts of low esteem or money issues. I’m talking about so much more than that. Finances are huge – not in a things are tight sort of way either. But in a where can we sign up to get free stuff sort of situation. That is a huge stressor. Unfortunately this one is also caused in part by my Bipolar. Going through depression and some sort of mixed emotional state the last couple months meant no working for me – hence making finding a job huge difficult. I am even venturing into a job here in a week or so knowing that my semi stable mood right now could change quickly and screw things up.
And there is the stuff my illness has nothing to do with. Jimmy is still an issue. Not a day I don’t think about him at all. I used to think people just said that, exaggerating a bit, about how much they missed a person. Turns out my Jimmy still gets into every conversation eventually and I think of him at least once a day. And here comes my nephew named after him. Baby James just had to make an early appearance and throw the whole grief thing into full force again. Being a preemie we were so happy when everyone said he’d be fine and then boom another phone call – he’s taken a turn and had to be intubated and drugged to be stable. Just the very idea that he could have died (and it’s still possible), that moment, that particular minute – my heart just sank. All I could think of was how was my brother going to deal with another death. I wanted to protect him from the pain the same way I protected him our whole childhood. And then how can I handle that much hurt. I totally broke down and was a mess of anxiety till my Ativan kicked in and I took a moment to breathe (yeah those exercises really work).
Mixed in all this is the learning even more about how my mom and stepdad have messed up our lives. I hate to say it so harshly as I know they loved us. I know my mom has so many good qualities and that my siblings feel different. But I get so angry at what I hear. I wish I was ready to list some of the things here that I even just more recently learned about. The lies, the behaviors behind my back….so much. And even though I know that I’ve created some distance and some boundaries with them. Some of the news was big enough I know to sit in the background of my mind and scratch at my mood disorder.
So what is the result of all this. I’m in such a weird state. I’m anxious all the time and can’t stop my mind (some a side affect of my last addition of medication) and yet I have this underlying sadness boiling underneath. I want to do things like my photography but am constantly thinking I’m not doing well enough – which makes the time I spend on it that much more frustrating. But the next day I might like my work again. I want to change so much about me on the outside again. I think because I need to have hope for change on the inside. Maybe because I’m restless in who I am.
Now I know this all sounds like I’m a complete nut. And likely if you talk to me on fb or in person you don’t see it. I must note that not every day or every moment is bad. And I must also note that I am really good at putting on my face – faking it through – trying to act like what I wish I felt. How else did I go so long undiagnosed? And then there is the fact that it’s hard to distinguish what is life change and what is something I have to deal with only now. Maybe I just wanted new hair because I just do. Maybe I just feel overemotional because my life is stressed out.
*sigh* I got nothing else
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