Last night I went for a walk. My intention was to just get up and move a bit. After all I am on this working out kick. Not the easiest to find things I can do  with this damn boot on my leg, but I'm sure trying.  And so I thought, I'll walk and see how far my ankle will take me, burn a few calories and push my ankle strength a bit.  It didn't take long and my shoe on my good foot was bothering me. Not sure why that happens since I got my boot, but this isn't important.

  A calorie burning walk turned into this great unexpected trip back to childhood. I completely forgot how good it felt to walk around bare foot. Now this may sound silly to those who ran around with shoes on as children. But me, I never wanted to wear them. Sure this caused a few incidents...stepping on a nail, getting stung twice from stepping on bees...but I didn't care. I just loved the way the hot cement felt, the way grass felt almost cold in comparison...everything about feeling the earth beneath me.  And then there was the tar on the street. Funny or not, it's a feeling that brings me right back to playing with the neighborhood kids until the street lights came on.  That warm and soft feeling of the tar that fills the cracks on the street...maybe it's because it's not something you feel as an adult.  As adults we care way too much about avoiding such things.

On the 4th of July I sat back and realized how very much I love my family. I'm not talking about the family that Jeremy and  I have created, but that large extended Mexican family I came from. I loved the joking and the obvious low expectations that seem to make everyone comfortable. I thought about the aspects of a history together that unites us - common life crisis after crisis that we all  have a great ability to laugh about despite the pain involved.  I naturally missed my brother, the one "normal" one to me prior to his death.  Even in that crisis we had united through the pain - at least at first. At least they understand the pain involved if nothing else.

But in the same scene I see so much that seperates me - emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. Drug abuse: from those who clearly wear in on their faces to those who have to drink to excess at ever occasion to those who use prescriptions as a means of  mood manipulation, instead of dealing with reality. A lack or respect for their own health that baffles me; physical ailments a result of self abuse, low income, or resistance. Even my siblings seem to be following the path at differing intervals, making me sad I can't or couldn't somehow prevent it. Broken homes, lack of support, misguided goals, homelessness, unemployment, and a false sense of morality ~~ all wrapped up in rationalizations and lies that never end.

I know these people. I know their histories better than anyone. It thrusts me into a feeling of loyalty and closeness - and repels me from them at the same time. I wonder if everyone feels this way and  yet I know that despite this "normal" in my life, it's anything but.  I learned a long time ago that our "dysfunctional closeness" as I like to call it, has been a huge source of pain for me. I struggle to break free from it. My spirituality and my belief in the worth of a person and ability to change has created a confusing path, as I try to create balance with them. I have a constant fear of ending up like the generations before me, especially my parents (all of them). I sometimes feel I'm genetically set up to fail. That's why growing up is so very tough and confusing for me.  I know I've already accomplished so much, but I never take for granted that I also carry with me the ability to mess in all up in one big swoop.  Don't get me wrong, the feeling  passes and I realize again that not only have I done better, have the ability to do better, but must do better. My kids drive my ambitions, my husband supports them. Yeah, balance will come.