crazy, but getting better

I talked to someone recently who made me realize how far I've come in the last year. This person had called to vent and I'm pretty sure they will end up with my diagnosis (I'm pretty much qualified for that now).  As I talked to her and calmed her - related to everything she said and let her know she's not alone; I found myself very relieved that I wasn't in that spot anymore. I had almost forgotten how terrible it was.  She was all over the place, depressed and angry, annoyed and unable to sleep. Anxious and not knowing day to day if she could handle other people. And not sure of her emotions anymore or where they even come from. I don't talk about my diagnosis very often - but I am open about it. I have Bipolar II. This is supposed to be the "lesser" Bipolar. But it really isn't any less hard to deal with. 

The best way I can explain me getting better this last year is that it felt like all of my life i was someone else - like my emotions and then my thoughts would creep in and not let me be who I knew I could be. There were moments that "clicked" and I was doing great, but the in betweens were mostly me being over anxious or depressed or totally careless. It's like my whole life I was looking in at me. And now finally I feel like I'm settling into my body and being myself more and more. One would think this would be wonderful and it is, but not easy by any means. Because now I have to figure out what is me all over again. It's exhausting to change old habits - mostly how I think. It's hard to take care of myself all the time - therapy, meds, routines, thoughts, etc. And then there is the not knowing what is growth and what is my being hypomanic. What confidence is real and which is not? If I hit a low for a day - is this a sign that I"m going to spiral or just an emotional bump or is it even normal? I'm sure these things will figure themselves out as I grow.  But it is a weird spot to be in. I technically have a psychological illness and I long for understanding from others about it (which I know is never completely possible for most). But on the other hand I know I'm capable of way more than a diagnosis could show and I fear being treated any differently. One more thing I have to sort through. But the toughest thing lately is dealing with stress differently.  I used to get through life by ignoring my feeling and pushing through. I took control and thrived because of it. I was anxious and emotional,but just kept going. And now I feel things and I deal with them - that kinda sucks really. It's so much better than before and I feel the relief from it, but it's still new to me. Healthy coping is so much harder. But because I know it's healthier I move on. I just get heavily confused in the meantime. 

I guess the intention of this blog is not to teach people about Bipolar II or somehow represent what alot of us go through. It's just what I am going through and I felt like writing it down. A tiny insight into my mind of late.