What got me today was what I like to call a "Jimmy moment". They often come out of nowhere. Sometimes they are almost predictable - like on the anniversary of his death, but more often than not I think I'm stronger than I am and they catch me off guard. Today I delivered a card from my Tommy to a service for his friend's mom. She had died unexpectedly from an unknown health condition. As I walked into the funeral home, I didn't think it would be hard as I had been to a number of funerals since my brother's death. His wake and funeral both had to be at St. Mike's however, as the funeral home couldn't hold the number attending. But as quick as I could make the card delivery, it still was enough time to throw me right back to my only memory in that place I'd like to forget. The moment I first saw my brother after he died. They had cleaned him up a bit so we could see him. I remember thinking that this would somehow make it more real. I knew I had to see him - I couldn't wait to. But looking back it wasn't real at all. It confirmed to me somehow that it wasn't a case of mistaken identity. For the most part, however, it just wasn't that real. I couldn't even cry - just tell him that things wouldn't be the same, touch his hand, put my fingers through his curly hair, and tell him that I love him and glad he hadn't cut it like he had wanted to. Needless to say, seeing him in my head that way...thinking of the whole process of my grief..made me drive home in tears.
And you have me in tears...love and hugs
ReplyDeleteI hope it gave you some closure. These things are typically harder to deal with when one doesn't have closure.
ReplyDeleteEven that little memory, seeing his hair, can leave you with a loving image to remember.
I think I do have some closure - bit by bit. Even though many days it makes no sense at all to me. Embracing the lack of explanation is the key to the closure more than anything.
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