Happy Tired

I've had some days to mentally break down a bit after the realizations about my school plans being on hold. I'm settling into acceptance I suppose. You see, I hate change - even good change. I also hate being wrong. So this obviously threw me off. But I've accepted that if my meeting with my adviser doesn't create some wonderful exception or answer to my "problem", I'll make it through. Jeremy is rolling with it which helps me to hold back the guilt. I've begun to reframe  the whole situation as well. Perhaps this is God's way of telling me that my timing is off. Maybe I need the time to work on myself some more, to have a mental break of sorts. And perhaps the extended timing will make me a better social worker when I'm done, than I would have been otherwise. The financial bit will get figured out. I suspect I'll feel better about that in time as well.  Things have timing and I'll accept whatever the universe gives me. What really matters anyway, right? The day to day joy with yourself and those around you far outweighs deadlines and salaries.

Today I not only felt all these things, but also had them reinforced.  We had my oldest son's belated 'invite his friends' birthday party today. We had been at the lake on his original birthday. The whole day surrounded getting ready for the party. Baking cakes (I made a LEGO one this year), filling up water balloons, wrapping presents,stuffing the pinata,  and loading up the cooler with sodas and ice cream sundae essentials. Not only was Tommy excited but Adam and Isabel were as well. "Is the cake done yet?"; "Can we hold a water balloon? Can we throw one at the dogs?" ( I of course let them).  "Is it time yet? How much longer?"  Although I felt busy, it was so much fun to see how excited they were for what many would consider a pretty 'cheap' party. I'm a strong believer in the fact that you don't need a fancy water park or crazy kid restaurant to make a child truly happy. Sometimes it's the simple things that us old folks did as children that are the best memories.

The party was great. Family that had not been at the lake with us and a few of Tommy's closest friends (not too many, cuz honestly that gets to be nuts).  Although the number of attendees was low for today's standards, you never could tell from the amount of fun and laughs that were had.  As parents know, parties can suck the energy right out of you - usually we fail to enjoy them very much. But today was not like that for me.  I was able to be in the moment and enjoy every bit. This is another new thing for me.  I've struggled with anxiety and mood swings so terribly that I usually obsess about perfection and worry about talking to other parents and worry that my kids will be happy and, and, and....
Today I was able to take in some very good memories -

• The boys throwing rocks into the coulee despite the sign that says not too. (I'm such a rebel) Something great about seeing boys have that natural young competition and teasing about something so simple.

•  Watching Jeremy and Uncle Justin trying to get the pinata over the tree limb - using Auntie Carol's flip flop as an anchor and Tommy's friend for some height. Then watching the kids jump every time one piece of candy fell out till it actually broke. And enjoying the laughs watching each other swing at nothing. Then of course seeing them all scurry and end up with more than enough candy a piece. 
• The water balloon fight....You can't watch that and not laugh. Misses and bounces and hits all. We had them do it old school dual style, back to back, and count. The balloons had been scattered around the huge field so they had search out their ammo. They ran around that field so much, my tummy hurt by the time they made it through the 70 balloons (which by the way does not last as long as one may think)

And when it was all done, my Tommy was thankful and happy  without 100 dollar presents or fireworks. It was a good day. I needed a happy tired for once.