So here's the thing....

So here's the thing about depression. When you are in it, you can't make yourself (or it is extremely hard) do the things you should do to help you get out of it. Course saying get out of it is somewhat horrible to say in it's self. But some things: exercise, being around friends, going on your day to day normal, good sleep schedule. etc does help.  It is not until you feel some relief from it that these things get easier. That is where I'm at. And now I have the energy to keep going and do all those things above that I need to do. It's such a cycle - both in getting worse and in getting better. I have to believe it is my education about my condition and my experience with depression that allowed me to take some baby steps in climbing out. For everyone it is not that simple. I truly believe most people are not educated on how to make the baby steps, to be proud of the small successes.  Just telling myself - "yeah but you didn't sleep all day like you wanted" and "look you made it through the day and took care of your kids and self" helped. I tried not to kill myself with negatives like what I wasn't doing. It was a long battle in my head, but in reality only a month or so. It's knowing that the end of the depression is possible that people need to hear about. It's a day to day thing. I think of it like an addiction now. Day to day. Then before you know it you are finding that you are better and the "bad thoughts" are not as often. I know it's a battle I will forever live with, just like an addiction, but it helps to appreciate the breaks from the tough moments.

So that is my rant on my feelings of late.

So what is going better and driving me upward? Despite some negatives, like difficulty in pining down a job and financial problems, I am finding some things to give me that old confidence and drive again. I've hit the photography thing hard with my extra time at home. It's hard to explain how much it means to me. It's something that is "me".  Everyone needs an artistic outlet no matter what it looks like and this is mine.  Every step of it is fulfilling to me. I enjoy connecting to people in the photo session, editing the pics, and seeing what great shots we got, editing the pictures, and seeing the response from the those in the pictures and others as well.  It's an amazing feeling when you see others accept something you put yourself into. This is why I think everyone needs an artistic outlet - because it is these things that put the "you" out to the world.  There is a certain comfort in that.  Even those artists that received negativity historically seem to find a comfort in cementing who they are through their work.
I used to think I'd get back into photography on a more professional level only because I needed to. Because Jimmy was a part in founding Freestone Photography (my maiden name), because we enjoyed those photo shoots together, and because it was the day he died that we were supposed to do our first paying gig (a friend's wedding)....I thought I would owe it to him.  I found that preserving the drive to do it again was not that easy. It was not until now that it felt right. It is still somewhat about connecting with my brother Jimmy again, but even more it is about connecting with the other brother involved - my brother Joey - and about me. It's not the same as it used to be. I now understand that it doesn't need to be.  This doesn't take from the excitement, it just makes it more real. Now I'm in a spot where I can embrace the reason I do it again.


The other thing I'm doing is getting back to doing the school thing. My dept head worked hard to give me five months to finish my old work and get a good draft on my Independent Study. It's a blessing that there are people out there who believe in me, even when I couldn't. With this and with the photography, it is most about accepting myself. Just when I thought I had done this, I found that I really didn't in so many ways. I now accept that I'm not emotionally perfect. I now accept that I can't always do everything I set out to do on a perfect time line with perfect execution. Embracing that I've had a bad year and am still sane - that's acceptance. I've re-framed my emotions by realizing they are the same ones that make me tear up when I watch my kids do something for the first time and that make me love so hard.

So I guess what I'm saying is that instead of running away from the past year...I'm finally not trying to distract myself or deny how hard it was - I'm just accepting it as it was. And embracing that it changed me.  I talked for the first time about Jimmy and all I've learned in front of a group on campus.  That sort of says it all. I need to grow, learn, and share. I'd love to do the same about my Bipolar some day.  Till then I have all of you who read this to share with. Thanks for listening.