Lipstick and Shoes - the reality of interviewing

Recently I interviewed for a job. I've interviewed for quite a few in my job search, but this one is of particular interest to me, meaning I want it more than just for the money. The chance to be partly in charge of developing a new collaborative program based on a new federal grant, would be such a great experience. Sure it would come with some icky "to do"s like evaluating agencies and figuring out requirements of the grant, and creating a handbook for each part of the program. But I know the experience would only advance me in my career as I'd be working with professionals in the child welfare community, the city officials, and federal representatives. Plus it is my interest area - child welfare (working to reduce exposure from violence towards children and working to reduce their risk if they already have been exposed).  It's what I want to do with my life.

But I'm not ranting about this just because of the job possibility. I know that jobs are few and competition is big in the social work community right now, especially for higher paying jobs. I know I have a small chance based on my lack of experience. I'm really wanting to talk about it for a different reason. I want to present some thoughts I had as I got ready for my interview and after. Given my lack of experience,  other factors need to be in place in order to put me ahead of the pack.I would suspect that many of the things that ran through my mind are based on the fact that I am a female. Unfortunately, so many things that happen in my life do come with the understanding that women are held to slightly different standards then men when it comes to leadership and the work force. Sure it's getting better and those who are hiring in the social work field should be more aware of such bias, but it doesn't change the fact that underlying things is a different interpretation due to sex alone.

As I got ready for the interview I tried to remember all the things I've read about how to make a good first impression. This is important right? Regardless of how good any of us are at reserving judgment, it's difficult to avoid any assumptions on that first interaction. Do I wear pants or a skirt? Jacket or no jacket? what colors send the best message? how should the garments fit as to be attractive but not too attractive? The facts are that these things do make a difference. Females who are found attractive are more likely to get employed and make others comfortable. Recently I heard about a study that pointed to the fact that if you have a visible disability or unattractive facial feature that the interviewer is more likely to only remember the feature and less about your interview - reducing your chance at the job. Colors, pants, and skirts also send a message - jackets are seen as professional and point to leadership; bright colors say you are open minded and kind or joyful; while black and neutral say you are more serious and disciplined. How do you choose from what seems like all good features to present?  Skirts vs. pants is another story. The trend now says those females in pants are seen as better professionals. They must not be too tight, but must fit well enough to be attractive to your figure. Having coordination in your choices is important as to appear "put together". Trendy aspects can be seen as immature. Even hair style for a female becomes complicated. Do you put it up or leave it down? Does your style say that you are out of touch or too youthful? Or does it say you are professional? Good as long as it's also attractive. Makeup shouldn't be too much, but enough to make you look like you have energy and again...are attractive. It's alot of information to digest. It should be noted as well that the type of job makes everything a bit different, just adding to the confusion.
I chose to go with a light blue shirt, black jacket, and black pants and shoes. I wore a long semi trendy necklace to draw attention to the jacket. My makeup was neutral in color and my hair was only partly pinned back. Was this the right combination for these interviewers? I had two male and two female interviewers - wonder if I had the right combination for all of them.


Now post interview thoughts....
Not unlike anybody else, after the interview I ran through the questions in my head and came up with better answers. Nerves usually make us forget something we knew we wanted to say or say more fluently.  But also in my mind is whether my answers showed the best combination of caring and leadership. As a woman I can say something about facilitating a group of professionals and be seen as harsh, while a male with the same answer may be seen as strong and controlled. If I laugh and have eye contact do I seem like I'm trying to flirt? A man would only be concerned if it made him look weak or if it would be seen as approachable. I also tend to concentrate more on the processing parts of a job - pointing to the strengths of making people feel comfortable and having their views heard for example. Would a man say something different (my guess is yes) and would that answer be valued more despite the fact both answers are correct?  I worried if the men found me as strong enough. I worried if the women found me non threatening. No woman wants another strong woman to enter ranks and threaten her standing with the organization. Through their individual lenses, did my skin color make a difference. I look more like clients. Did they see this as a good thing or a bad thing? Do they hold stereotypes about my reliability and work ethic?

I was left completely uncertain on how I would come across to my interviewers. I told myself that I know enough about first impressions to have tried to reduce the risk of bad impressions and maximize the good. However it all lies in how the interview group sees things, what they want to see, what they think of men and women, and their experience with nonwhite employees. I sure hope they give this average looking Hispanic woman, with limited experience( but confidence) a chance. I do not want to have to go through this whole head game again.

So here's the thing....

So here's the thing about depression. When you are in it, you can't make yourself (or it is extremely hard) do the things you should do to help you get out of it. Course saying get out of it is somewhat horrible to say in it's self. But some things: exercise, being around friends, going on your day to day normal, good sleep schedule. etc does help.  It is not until you feel some relief from it that these things get easier. That is where I'm at. And now I have the energy to keep going and do all those things above that I need to do. It's such a cycle - both in getting worse and in getting better. I have to believe it is my education about my condition and my experience with depression that allowed me to take some baby steps in climbing out. For everyone it is not that simple. I truly believe most people are not educated on how to make the baby steps, to be proud of the small successes.  Just telling myself - "yeah but you didn't sleep all day like you wanted" and "look you made it through the day and took care of your kids and self" helped. I tried not to kill myself with negatives like what I wasn't doing. It was a long battle in my head, but in reality only a month or so. It's knowing that the end of the depression is possible that people need to hear about. It's a day to day thing. I think of it like an addiction now. Day to day. Then before you know it you are finding that you are better and the "bad thoughts" are not as often. I know it's a battle I will forever live with, just like an addiction, but it helps to appreciate the breaks from the tough moments.

So that is my rant on my feelings of late.

So what is going better and driving me upward? Despite some negatives, like difficulty in pining down a job and financial problems, I am finding some things to give me that old confidence and drive again. I've hit the photography thing hard with my extra time at home. It's hard to explain how much it means to me. It's something that is "me".  Everyone needs an artistic outlet no matter what it looks like and this is mine.  Every step of it is fulfilling to me. I enjoy connecting to people in the photo session, editing the pics, and seeing what great shots we got, editing the pictures, and seeing the response from the those in the pictures and others as well.  It's an amazing feeling when you see others accept something you put yourself into. This is why I think everyone needs an artistic outlet - because it is these things that put the "you" out to the world.  There is a certain comfort in that.  Even those artists that received negativity historically seem to find a comfort in cementing who they are through their work.
I used to think I'd get back into photography on a more professional level only because I needed to. Because Jimmy was a part in founding Freestone Photography (my maiden name), because we enjoyed those photo shoots together, and because it was the day he died that we were supposed to do our first paying gig (a friend's wedding)....I thought I would owe it to him.  I found that preserving the drive to do it again was not that easy. It was not until now that it felt right. It is still somewhat about connecting with my brother Jimmy again, but even more it is about connecting with the other brother involved - my brother Joey - and about me. It's not the same as it used to be. I now understand that it doesn't need to be.  This doesn't take from the excitement, it just makes it more real. Now I'm in a spot where I can embrace the reason I do it again.


The other thing I'm doing is getting back to doing the school thing. My dept head worked hard to give me five months to finish my old work and get a good draft on my Independent Study. It's a blessing that there are people out there who believe in me, even when I couldn't. With this and with the photography, it is most about accepting myself. Just when I thought I had done this, I found that I really didn't in so many ways. I now accept that I'm not emotionally perfect. I now accept that I can't always do everything I set out to do on a perfect time line with perfect execution. Embracing that I've had a bad year and am still sane - that's acceptance. I've re-framed my emotions by realizing they are the same ones that make me tear up when I watch my kids do something for the first time and that make me love so hard.

So I guess what I'm saying is that instead of running away from the past year...I'm finally not trying to distract myself or deny how hard it was - I'm just accepting it as it was. And embracing that it changed me.  I talked for the first time about Jimmy and all I've learned in front of a group on campus.  That sort of says it all. I need to grow, learn, and share. I'd love to do the same about my Bipolar some day.  Till then I have all of you who read this to share with. Thanks for listening.

That in between space

So...it's been awhile. As it would turn out I ended up going through quite the depressive episode. School not working out, jobs not working out, kids being sick forever, all of it I'm sure added to it. But let's face it- I was sorta due. I forgot how bad it feels. The only good thing I can say is that I now know it won't last. I know I cycle and it helps a bit to take away from the overwhelming negativity.  Depression, for me anyway, equals isolation. Not just isolation in person, but in many areas. Creativity and all things associated were not going to happen. I had to concentrate on getting up and doing the day to day for my family after all.  I'm still not in the clear, as I know I'm still depressed. But I'm not crying three times a day and that is a plus. New meds and a little self talk goes far. I'm back in feeling like I can fight mode.

Unfortunately this post then acts like an in between of sorts, getting me going again. Making blogging a part of me again. I wish I had the time to catch up on all your posts that I watch. But playing catch up in all the areas of my life I ignored is already a tall task.
I wish I had more positive things to say right now. Wish I had some great subject to talk about. But I don't. I guess right now anyway, I'm just still holding on. The good things I have done, however, have happened on my fb page. I've posted quite a few notes on racism and I've created a page for my photography "business".  The sort of ambition it takes to do these things are a good in between from depression to "normal". I don't have to talk to anyone in person, but am starting to venture into that creative mind of mine again. Depression is so odd for me - I'm so motivated in my mind, so creative, so adventurous - yet my body and my emotions keep me back. I do feel as if I'm finally starting to crawl out again though. So watch out world ;) 
Till later