On the 4th of July I sat back and realized how very much I love my family. I'm not talking about the family that Jeremy and  I have created, but that large extended Mexican family I came from. I loved the joking and the obvious low expectations that seem to make everyone comfortable. I thought about the aspects of a history together that unites us - common life crisis after crisis that we all  have a great ability to laugh about despite the pain involved.  I naturally missed my brother, the one "normal" one to me prior to his death.  Even in that crisis we had united through the pain - at least at first. At least they understand the pain involved if nothing else.

But in the same scene I see so much that seperates me - emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. Drug abuse: from those who clearly wear in on their faces to those who have to drink to excess at ever occasion to those who use prescriptions as a means of  mood manipulation, instead of dealing with reality. A lack or respect for their own health that baffles me; physical ailments a result of self abuse, low income, or resistance. Even my siblings seem to be following the path at differing intervals, making me sad I can't or couldn't somehow prevent it. Broken homes, lack of support, misguided goals, homelessness, unemployment, and a false sense of morality ~~ all wrapped up in rationalizations and lies that never end.

I know these people. I know their histories better than anyone. It thrusts me into a feeling of loyalty and closeness - and repels me from them at the same time. I wonder if everyone feels this way and  yet I know that despite this "normal" in my life, it's anything but.  I learned a long time ago that our "dysfunctional closeness" as I like to call it, has been a huge source of pain for me. I struggle to break free from it. My spirituality and my belief in the worth of a person and ability to change has created a confusing path, as I try to create balance with them. I have a constant fear of ending up like the generations before me, especially my parents (all of them). I sometimes feel I'm genetically set up to fail. That's why growing up is so very tough and confusing for me.  I know I've already accomplished so much, but I never take for granted that I also carry with me the ability to mess in all up in one big swoop.  Don't get me wrong, the feeling  passes and I realize again that not only have I done better, have the ability to do better, but must do better. My kids drive my ambitions, my husband supports them. Yeah, balance will come.