Finally at it....again

Gosh it's been a long time since I've done this. When I look back on my posts it becomes pretty clear that I'm bipolar. Ups and downs, holy! Anti social..then social. Well any of you who actually read this love me despite this so I guess I'm good.

Just a little catch up. I'm doing pretty darn good the last few weeks. Starting to want to socialize again and feeling more motivation to do all things I've wanted to do. I'm working and kicking some ass getting involved with more things there, getting creative again. I missed that feeling. I'm trying to get the alright to do a workshop for the GLBTQA conference, joining an Anti-Racism committee on campus, performing a monologue for International Women's Day; gearing up for presenting at the high schools on sexual assault awareness, and on the committee for the tunnel of oppression. Enough to keep my hours mostly busy. Life at home is good. I'm trying to get out more and wanting more.. I had quite the anti social stint. I'm thankful for those who have tried and understood when I didn't want to go out. And ever so thankful they still want to see me now. lol  I'm doing some photography and actually wanting more shoots to do. I'm also just overall thankful and doing more to make myself happy like finally working out. I sure hope this up keeps this time.

I'd say the only thing I'm struggling with is still body image. Although I've definitely begun to embrace the number on the scale. I'm just more concerned with making myself more toned up. I can accept some curves if they must be there. Damn getting old or damn medication - whatever it is that is making it so hard. I never hear people actually talk about how hard it is to lose weight or get fit. I hear people talk about working out, but nobody complains. How is that? Not until I do on fb or whatever do I actually learn that I share the same frustrations other people have. sure I hear it on t.v. commercials but it's just not the same as having a conversation with a real person. I think I have talked to more people about cramps than a real conversation about body image (aside from what I do at work). If we could only talk about our insecurities. I think it would help us women feel more secure actually - a support system to help us realize we are not alone and one to help us overcome them.

So that is me. Now everything is not perfect by any means. I still have to get out of my slump routine of needing two cups of coffee before I move off the recliner. I still have anxiety too much some days. But overall I'm doing pretty good. My apologies to those of you who I know blog as I haven't kept up on yours as I haven't kept up on mine too. Alright I think that's all I have for now. :)

Just a tad stuck

So I've done good to my word..been starting to buy clothes that make me feel better rather than trying to convince myself I'll lose the wt. first. It's done wonders for my self esteem. I still plan on continuing to try and lose wt. But just having that sense of looking good as who I am makes all the difference. The weight I've decided needs to come off not just so I feel adequate next to a skinny mini this summer (cuz there will always be someone who looks "better") but because I am so tired of feeling lazy and stuck. So I guess I really am concentrating on feeling good rather than looking good. Too bad I haven't started yet. It's so much harder to stop the excuses than I thought it would be. "oh after xmas" then "after new years". Maybe after the kids go back and my schedule is more consistent. I can't possibly start working out at home with Jeremy off of work this week and watching me. I need to just get off my ass and do it. So hard to grab some momentum.

Course these days it's hard to grab some energy to do anything.  I now understand why people like me go off their meds. I'm not depressed anymore and so thankful for that. But I am more in a slumpy mood. I miss this summer when I was energized and confident, wanting to socialize and being positive. Now I could care less if I go out. I'm stuggling to find the energy to do much. I still enjoy my kids, but would rather watch them have fun than join them. It's a really odd spot to be in. And it's so against where my brain is. This therefore feels like a weird torture. I'm not stopping meds of course. I know better than that. But it is frustrating none the less.

So I continue to try and gear myself up for things and keep trying to do things my head wants. Just hoping it all connects soon the way I want it to.