Just "being a girl"

I've gained 40lbs in the last year or so. I've been in a slump emotionally. And it totally sucks. Sure I've had moments where things were good, but all in all I look back and feel like it was a big fuzzy mess. I don't know if my wt. gain is from that or from my abundance of new meds. But when I look in the mirror it really doesn't matter. I have, a number of times, cried like a jr. high girl over not having anything that fits right. I've let myself get so frustrated that I try and not eat for as long as possible (many more of us do that than would admit). And now I'm just a point that I'm sick of doing this mind game to myself.

Soon I'll be doing Love Your Body events at the woman's center. I am a huge advocate for loving yourself despite the standards society gives us. I believe so many woman are beautiful and can completely see past body shape. I, in fact, see many typical beauties as ugly due to their personalities, the fact they send images of women back 50yrs, or lack of common sense. And yet I do it to myself. Why is it so easy to lift up our friends, while we push down ourselves? It's more than frustrating to live in both worlds.
I'm going to try and change that. I've committed myself to letting me buy clothes that are up a size. I'm going to start thinking healthy vs. scale. Now I know it won't be easy. I've struggled with body image, even as a skinny girl. But I do want to try again. I'm hoping it's like quitting smoking. You have to fail a few times before you really get it.

A positive Rant

I was recently told that I have a problem with giving myself credit for the good things, embracing them. You know instead of doing the "yeah but.." thing. O.k. so it was my therapist, but he is a smart man. I noted that I once was a prisoner to my 'to do' lists and after realizing that I always made them too long and never accomplished everything to my standards, I changed things. I started a 'what I did today' list instead. It helped so very much. Blogging for me has been very much the same. So much easier for me to vent the hard stuff than the good.  And yet it really shouldn't be like that. And so this is my good blog. ha ha! Deal with me here. I do this not in gloating, but because it's good for my soul.

I've had some trouble of late finding a job, getting school stuff sorted out. And all of a sudden- like things are changing in the right direction. Perhaps meant to be, but not without the work I had done before. I have gotten five months to get my second chance at my last semester and finish up my in completes. This was due to the fact that not only is my dept. awesome, but because I proved myself in the last couple of years. I got a 4.0 in my bachelor's program. I was engaged and a high achiever in the Master's program, earning everyone's respect enough for them to advocate for me.  I was honest and genuine , always sharing where I was at in my life - again earning their respect.
The Woman's Center called me to give me a GSA position again. They certainly didn't have to think of me first. Again, my hard work payed off as they chose to call me! Not only did they offer me the position but also worked the channels, un provoked, to make it so I could work despite me not being actually enrolled in classes this semester. So now I have a job for at least until summer. In which I hope to have an awesome internship.
Then a call today. My supervisor went out of her way to talk me up to the Conflict Resolution Center on campus to inquire about an internship with them (and possible money). Wow! Not only would that look awesome on a resume, but they thought of me when not asked to or having to. My previous networking and interests had already put me in a good light with the director of the Conflict Resolution Center so they thought the idea was promising. They are willing to meet wit me and want me to attend their upcoming symposium. So what happens? The Women's Center believes in me so much they are willing to pay the $400 dollars for me to attend!
And not to be ignored is my husband's ability to be so supportive and willing to do whatever it takes to make all of this work. 
I feel so blessed right now.

That is my good rant ;)

Please Don't

Taken from a forum I read.

"Bipolar, in all its spectrum, is a nightmare condition that affects the sufferer in the most cruel and all-consuming way. Its not particularly normal to experience the extreme opposites of the disorder i.e. on top of the world one minute and then feeling like the world is literally on top of you the next-crushing you down. For this reason alone, Bipolars are not normal people. But Bipolars are, in the majority, remarkable people with remarkable creative/leadership skills.In fact, on an evolutionary/Darwinian level, society needs its Bipolars, with their manic creativity and frequently exceptional drive, to ensure its ongoing survival. So no one should say hurtful things to people with this condition. In my case, some people have said bad things about my disorder. But they say this, not because they're nasty but out of total ignorance of Bipolar. "

Now what I have to say:

I haven't been affected as much as some people with the condition. Many  more have had hurtful things said to them - more than I. But they hurt none the less. So I ask you all... Do not tell me that you know someone who has survived bipolar due to religion or some other "great effort" to overcome the condition. Do not tell me that I'm just being manic or in a cycle when I'm just truly angry at you or feeling good about something. Do not tell me that you understand because one time you were depressed (like when your grandma died). Do not tell me that things will get better and that I can "do it".  Don't limit my ability to do things in the future, just because I've struggled in the past. Don't tell me you have manic tendencies but are not diagnosed inferring that my diagnosis is not real.  Don't tell me that medication will only hurt me, confuse me, or that it is not needed if I just go to therapy. And do not see me as only a victim of my mental illness.

Because it hurts. And because I already have had to struggle with not telling myself these very same things. Because it takes forever to undo the self talk and self hatred that comes with living with the reality that I am Bipolar.  I'm so much more than what I was born to overcome.  I have insight to the human condition that few are meant to have. I am going to give to this world more than you know.

This Mom Needs Work

Today was awful in the sense I couldn't focus on one thing long enough to feel like I accomplished much at all. I spent some time with Isabel, hit the grocery store...then nothing. worked on some school stuff, nothing...more school stuff, nothing...cleaned some...nothing again. After school routine, more cleaning and cooking...nothing. Just couldn't do much but want to do everything and not feel right doing any of it. Such a crappy place to be in .

 And now as it's night time I feel worse since I feel like I wasted my day. And I should be packing in as much as I can these days. It's obvious I can accomplish more when I do more. Work can not be coming at a better time. I wonder why I work that way. Perhaps because I grew up with too many expectations at too early of an age. Not sure. But I am most happy when I'm busy. It is also reinforcing that I can't be a stay at home mom. I need the other things in life that fill me up like work and photography, friends and time with my husband alone...to be a better mom.  I know some would call it selfish still, even as the world's view of the mom role changes. But as for my home we work best when I work more and my husband is home more. He has the patience and fun laid back attitude needed to be home. I can be awesomely fun when the rest of me is filled up with other things. My mind is too busy to be home all the time. My patience lasts less and less with my increased time at home. It certainly is not my children as I adore them. I really have the best kids around. I just get impatient in my own mind and then can't share joy as much. Look at me explaining away what I already know is perfectly alright.

As for today I guess there is nothing I can do about it. Tomorrow is another chance to kick butt. I just hope this antsy thing goes away.  I hope it's not a side affect of my meds and if so goes away. Tis my life - analyze analyze.  Hard habit to break.

Sometimes I get tired

And here I am again at square 1 – feeling horrible about my illness again. I’m so angry at the fact that it seems like it would just be so much better if I didn’t have any other outside stressors right now. How am I supposed to ever feel stable if my life just will not cooperate?  I’m not at all talking about the everyday stressors that we all feel. Certainly not. I’m not so self centered that I believe that I can make it so there is never problems with relationships or bouts of low esteem or money issues. I’m talking about so much more than that. Finances are huge – not in a things are tight sort of way either. But in a where can we sign up to get free stuff sort of situation. That is a huge stressor. Unfortunately this one is also caused in part by my Bipolar. Going through depression and some sort of mixed emotional state the last couple months meant no working for me – hence making finding a job huge difficult.  I am even venturing into a job here in a week or so knowing that my semi stable mood right now could change quickly and screw things up.

And there is the stuff my illness has nothing to do with. Jimmy is still an issue. Not a day I don’t think about him at all.  I used to think people just said that, exaggerating a bit, about how much they missed a person. Turns out my Jimmy still gets into every conversation eventually and I think of him at least once a day.  And here comes my nephew named after him. Baby James just had to make an early appearance and throw the whole grief thing into full force again. Being a preemie we were so happy when everyone said he’d be fine and then boom another phone call – he’s taken a turn and had to be intubated and drugged to be stable. Just the very idea that he could have died (and it’s still possible), that moment, that particular minute – my heart just sank. All I could think of was how was my brother going to deal with another death. I wanted to protect him from the pain the same way I protected him our whole childhood. And then how can I handle that much hurt. I totally broke down and was a mess of anxiety till my Ativan kicked in and I took a moment to breathe (yeah those exercises really work).

Mixed in all this is the learning even more about how my mom and stepdad have messed up our lives. I hate to say it so harshly as I know they loved us. I know my mom has so many good qualities and that my siblings feel different. But I get so angry at what I hear. I wish I was ready to list some of the things here that I even just more recently learned about. The lies, the behaviors behind my back….so much. And even though I know that I’ve created some distance and some boundaries with them. Some of the news was big enough I know to sit in the background of my mind and scratch at my mood disorder.

So what is the result of all this. I’m in such a weird state. I’m anxious all the time and can’t stop my mind (some a side affect of my last addition of medication) and yet I have this underlying sadness boiling underneath. I want to do things like my photography but am constantly thinking I’m not doing well enough – which makes the time I spend on it that much more frustrating. But the next day I might like my work again. I want to change so much about me on the outside again. I think because I need to have hope for change on the inside. Maybe because I’m restless in who I am.

Now I know this all sounds like I’m a complete nut. And likely if you talk to me on fb or in person you don’t see it. I must note that not every day or every moment is bad. And I must also note that I am really good at putting on my face – faking it through – trying to act like what I wish I felt. How else did I go so long undiagnosed?  And then there is the fact that it’s hard to distinguish what is life change and what is something I have to deal with only now. Maybe I just wanted new hair because I just do. Maybe I just feel overemotional because my life is stressed out.

*sigh* I got nothing else

Lipstick and Shoes - the reality of interviewing

Recently I interviewed for a job. I've interviewed for quite a few in my job search, but this one is of particular interest to me, meaning I want it more than just for the money. The chance to be partly in charge of developing a new collaborative program based on a new federal grant, would be such a great experience. Sure it would come with some icky "to do"s like evaluating agencies and figuring out requirements of the grant, and creating a handbook for each part of the program. But I know the experience would only advance me in my career as I'd be working with professionals in the child welfare community, the city officials, and federal representatives. Plus it is my interest area - child welfare (working to reduce exposure from violence towards children and working to reduce their risk if they already have been exposed).  It's what I want to do with my life.

But I'm not ranting about this just because of the job possibility. I know that jobs are few and competition is big in the social work community right now, especially for higher paying jobs. I know I have a small chance based on my lack of experience. I'm really wanting to talk about it for a different reason. I want to present some thoughts I had as I got ready for my interview and after. Given my lack of experience,  other factors need to be in place in order to put me ahead of the pack.I would suspect that many of the things that ran through my mind are based on the fact that I am a female. Unfortunately, so many things that happen in my life do come with the understanding that women are held to slightly different standards then men when it comes to leadership and the work force. Sure it's getting better and those who are hiring in the social work field should be more aware of such bias, but it doesn't change the fact that underlying things is a different interpretation due to sex alone.

As I got ready for the interview I tried to remember all the things I've read about how to make a good first impression. This is important right? Regardless of how good any of us are at reserving judgment, it's difficult to avoid any assumptions on that first interaction. Do I wear pants or a skirt? Jacket or no jacket? what colors send the best message? how should the garments fit as to be attractive but not too attractive? The facts are that these things do make a difference. Females who are found attractive are more likely to get employed and make others comfortable. Recently I heard about a study that pointed to the fact that if you have a visible disability or unattractive facial feature that the interviewer is more likely to only remember the feature and less about your interview - reducing your chance at the job. Colors, pants, and skirts also send a message - jackets are seen as professional and point to leadership; bright colors say you are open minded and kind or joyful; while black and neutral say you are more serious and disciplined. How do you choose from what seems like all good features to present?  Skirts vs. pants is another story. The trend now says those females in pants are seen as better professionals. They must not be too tight, but must fit well enough to be attractive to your figure. Having coordination in your choices is important as to appear "put together". Trendy aspects can be seen as immature. Even hair style for a female becomes complicated. Do you put it up or leave it down? Does your style say that you are out of touch or too youthful? Or does it say you are professional? Good as long as it's also attractive. Makeup shouldn't be too much, but enough to make you look like you have energy and again...are attractive. It's alot of information to digest. It should be noted as well that the type of job makes everything a bit different, just adding to the confusion.
I chose to go with a light blue shirt, black jacket, and black pants and shoes. I wore a long semi trendy necklace to draw attention to the jacket. My makeup was neutral in color and my hair was only partly pinned back. Was this the right combination for these interviewers? I had two male and two female interviewers - wonder if I had the right combination for all of them.


Now post interview thoughts....
Not unlike anybody else, after the interview I ran through the questions in my head and came up with better answers. Nerves usually make us forget something we knew we wanted to say or say more fluently.  But also in my mind is whether my answers showed the best combination of caring and leadership. As a woman I can say something about facilitating a group of professionals and be seen as harsh, while a male with the same answer may be seen as strong and controlled. If I laugh and have eye contact do I seem like I'm trying to flirt? A man would only be concerned if it made him look weak or if it would be seen as approachable. I also tend to concentrate more on the processing parts of a job - pointing to the strengths of making people feel comfortable and having their views heard for example. Would a man say something different (my guess is yes) and would that answer be valued more despite the fact both answers are correct?  I worried if the men found me as strong enough. I worried if the women found me non threatening. No woman wants another strong woman to enter ranks and threaten her standing with the organization. Through their individual lenses, did my skin color make a difference. I look more like clients. Did they see this as a good thing or a bad thing? Do they hold stereotypes about my reliability and work ethic?

I was left completely uncertain on how I would come across to my interviewers. I told myself that I know enough about first impressions to have tried to reduce the risk of bad impressions and maximize the good. However it all lies in how the interview group sees things, what they want to see, what they think of men and women, and their experience with nonwhite employees. I sure hope they give this average looking Hispanic woman, with limited experience( but confidence) a chance. I do not want to have to go through this whole head game again.

So here's the thing....

So here's the thing about depression. When you are in it, you can't make yourself (or it is extremely hard) do the things you should do to help you get out of it. Course saying get out of it is somewhat horrible to say in it's self. But some things: exercise, being around friends, going on your day to day normal, good sleep schedule. etc does help.  It is not until you feel some relief from it that these things get easier. That is where I'm at. And now I have the energy to keep going and do all those things above that I need to do. It's such a cycle - both in getting worse and in getting better. I have to believe it is my education about my condition and my experience with depression that allowed me to take some baby steps in climbing out. For everyone it is not that simple. I truly believe most people are not educated on how to make the baby steps, to be proud of the small successes.  Just telling myself - "yeah but you didn't sleep all day like you wanted" and "look you made it through the day and took care of your kids and self" helped. I tried not to kill myself with negatives like what I wasn't doing. It was a long battle in my head, but in reality only a month or so. It's knowing that the end of the depression is possible that people need to hear about. It's a day to day thing. I think of it like an addiction now. Day to day. Then before you know it you are finding that you are better and the "bad thoughts" are not as often. I know it's a battle I will forever live with, just like an addiction, but it helps to appreciate the breaks from the tough moments.

So that is my rant on my feelings of late.

So what is going better and driving me upward? Despite some negatives, like difficulty in pining down a job and financial problems, I am finding some things to give me that old confidence and drive again. I've hit the photography thing hard with my extra time at home. It's hard to explain how much it means to me. It's something that is "me".  Everyone needs an artistic outlet no matter what it looks like and this is mine.  Every step of it is fulfilling to me. I enjoy connecting to people in the photo session, editing the pics, and seeing what great shots we got, editing the pictures, and seeing the response from the those in the pictures and others as well.  It's an amazing feeling when you see others accept something you put yourself into. This is why I think everyone needs an artistic outlet - because it is these things that put the "you" out to the world.  There is a certain comfort in that.  Even those artists that received negativity historically seem to find a comfort in cementing who they are through their work.
I used to think I'd get back into photography on a more professional level only because I needed to. Because Jimmy was a part in founding Freestone Photography (my maiden name), because we enjoyed those photo shoots together, and because it was the day he died that we were supposed to do our first paying gig (a friend's wedding)....I thought I would owe it to him.  I found that preserving the drive to do it again was not that easy. It was not until now that it felt right. It is still somewhat about connecting with my brother Jimmy again, but even more it is about connecting with the other brother involved - my brother Joey - and about me. It's not the same as it used to be. I now understand that it doesn't need to be.  This doesn't take from the excitement, it just makes it more real. Now I'm in a spot where I can embrace the reason I do it again.


The other thing I'm doing is getting back to doing the school thing. My dept head worked hard to give me five months to finish my old work and get a good draft on my Independent Study. It's a blessing that there are people out there who believe in me, even when I couldn't. With this and with the photography, it is most about accepting myself. Just when I thought I had done this, I found that I really didn't in so many ways. I now accept that I'm not emotionally perfect. I now accept that I can't always do everything I set out to do on a perfect time line with perfect execution. Embracing that I've had a bad year and am still sane - that's acceptance. I've re-framed my emotions by realizing they are the same ones that make me tear up when I watch my kids do something for the first time and that make me love so hard.

So I guess what I'm saying is that instead of running away from the past year...I'm finally not trying to distract myself or deny how hard it was - I'm just accepting it as it was. And embracing that it changed me.  I talked for the first time about Jimmy and all I've learned in front of a group on campus.  That sort of says it all. I need to grow, learn, and share. I'd love to do the same about my Bipolar some day.  Till then I have all of you who read this to share with. Thanks for listening.